Monday, July 22, 2013

Something personal

Hey guys, I wanted to share something that has been going on in my life for a while. My husband and I have been trying to conceive our second child for a while now. We tried naturally for more months than I can count and have finally been going the fertility drug route since January. I've not shared a lot about this before, although some of you that know me personally know about this.

I recently started doing daily hormone shots....not the most pleasant thing. And by recently I mean last night was my first shot, and it did not go at all as I would have hoped. I got home from church, got the box down from the shelf, laid out my paper towel and set about getting everything ready. I realized a few seconds after setting things out that the pharmacy had not given me any needles. You can imagine the freak out I had when I realized I might not be able to start the very time sensitive shots I was supposed to start.

I drove around to every pharmacy in my area, my husband called another, and no one had what we needed. So, I had to get into the car and drive an hour away to the Kaiser hospital that is open 24 hours a day 7 days a week. After a lot of nonsense (apparently the dr had only put in for one needle for me, but the pharmacist was amazing and sent me home with 15) I got to walk back to my car in a very dark parking lot and give myself my first shot. All of this with a creepy guy leaning against his car watching me through my passenger window.

So far, this journey of infertility has been anything but fun. We knew it would be difficult, but I think I was somewhat spoiled with how quick we conceived my son, only 2 rounds of a medicine called Clomid and we were good to go. This time, I have done more than a few rounds of the pills, and this time they gave me a wacky side effect where in dim light everything looked like it had spiderwebs attached to it. After I told the dr about it, she told me I would not be doing those again.

So, here we are, on out first round of the shots, and I'm terrified to hope. It gets hard to put on a smile and say everything is ok when I want to shatter to pieces. I spend more days than I would like trying to hold back tears. On the days that I can't quite accomplish that, I feel like the worst mom ever when my almost 4 year old asks me, "mommy why are you so sad?" It's a journey, one I had hoped I would not have to embark on again.

 This time has been a lot harder emotionally. Maybe it's because I expected it to be easier because I had done it before, I don't really know. I'm blessed to have so many people in my life who care about me and let me cry and rant about everything. I think my husband should be sainted after dealing with me for this past year. This is me, and who I've been for the past seven months.


  1. Big hugs and I wish you both the best of luck. I was lucky enough to conceive my children without hormones, but I had a difficult time staying pregnant, and understand mood swings (I'm bi-polar). It's a very emotional experience, the trying, even without the addition of hormones.

    But don't fear hope and never give it up. I remember those times where I thought (hoped) I was pregnant and I'd fall to pieces when only one line would show. One time, I got so mad, I screamed at the top of my lungs before crumpling into a heap to cry. At the same time, I was terrified about raising kids with my mental condition, thought I wasn't good enough, and this was the universe's way of telling me. I'd allow my hope to diminish until I gave up trying.

    Aww, and don't worry about your son. He just wants mommy to be happy. It's amazing how quickly they can pick up on emotions. Have you talked to him about trying to have another baby? At four, I'd keep it simple. let him know about the medicine you're taking and how it can make you sad.

    Your husband sounds like a real trooper. Seven months? Sainthood sounds about right. I doubt my husband would last a day lol.

    Have you connected with other couples trying to conceive? Sometimes the support in those groups can really help, especially when you can reach out to women and share experiences. There's plenty online, if you can't find a local group too.

    1. Hope is a funny thing, it can be a lifeline, or the thing that crushes you. I'm cautiously optimistic this time. And yes, I connected with a ton of ladies in the same boat, it's awesome to have people who know just what I'm going through.
      My son is a trooper, and this time I'm trying to hold it together better for him lol

  2. Hugs and prayers for you! I had a problem as well and was told by a specialist to give up because it just wasn't going to happen and there was nothing he could do to make it so. And after trying EVERYTHING for 4 years, I gave up. I was never so depressed in my life. Eight weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test and now we have a beautiful 3-year old Little Man. Do what you need to do and give the rest of it to God.